I know it's way past Easter but I am obviously way behind on her blog. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Easter was great! She had a great day that day. She was full of smiles all morning. We couldn't have asked for a better day with her.
Chad and I spoke in church that day. I hestitated and really didn't want to speak. I didn't want to because it was Easter and I frankly didn't want to give the Easter sermon. Haha!!! I felt like my talk wouldn't hold up to the congregations Easter expectations. Again haha!! But I had a strong feeling to speak so I went ahead and spoke. I think it went well. The reason I am writing about this is because I want to share my thoughts about what Easter means to me and my trial with Leah. Ultimately it all boils down to our relationship with God. How much do we want Him in our lives? We get to choose every day if we want a relationship with him. Honestly, the last two years I struggled to want a relationship with him. Most days I didn't choose Him. I was mad at Him most of the time. I was mad at Him for letting my baby suffer daily. I carried a lot of angry. I told myself I didn't need Him, I could do this trial on my own. I stopped praying, I wanted nothing to do with God. Deep down inside I was nothing but miserable! This was happening on and off for about two years. I know what hell feels like. I've been there over and over. I know the pain. I have hurt so much inside for losing my daughter to a life seizures. This is not the life I had in mind for her. I wanted to see her walk and talk and play with my other children. I wanted and still want my baby girl back. I want the pain of watching her seize over and over to be gone forever. I want her free of her pain and suffering. I wanted God to heal her. I begged Him in prayer every day. I soon began to become so tired so weak. I lived in a blur. Daily tasks were hard. I couldn't function anymore. I couldn't carry by burden alone anymore. I decided one day to pray and ask in prayer for my burden to be carried. I gave it to Him- Jesus Christ. I let go! This decision changed my life. I chose Him. He was always there...waiting for me. He never left my side. He gave me so many miracles. His miracles. The miracles I needed but didn't know I needed. I wanted Him to intervene and save my daughter from her seizures. I wanted Him to perform a huge miracle in her life and instantly stop her seizures and suffering. I now just put my trust in Him and His plan for her. I let go and I know that one day through Jesus Christ my daughter is going to be free from her pain and suffering. I know I will see her again with a perfect body. We will play and dance together one day. For now...my days are brighter! My load is lighter! I am happy again! I chose God! I chose a relationship with him! I get to have a choice everyday to carry by burden or give it to Him. He is there...waiting for us. He patiently waited for me. The Atonement means more to me now than ever before.