The year 2012 is a year I would like to forget. It was full of sadness, anger and grief. The grieving stages are miserable. I would go from denial to sadness to anger to a little acceptance and then a week or two later I start the process all over again. It was so exhausting. I didn't know how to cope because we didn't know Leah's diagnosis. My brain didn't know what to do. I sat on my couch holding Leah waiting for a diagnosis to come or waiting for Leah to pull out of her sickness every...single...day. I had many many very ugly break downs that I wish my husband didn't witness. Thankfully my kids didn't ever witness them (I made sure of that). I would definitely say I was in depression. I tried a few medications but my body doesn't like those meds. I get all the side effects so therefore it's not worth taking them. My energy level was completely gone. I was lucky if I got showered and dressed for the day. My eating habits turned to not eating at all or over eating the wrong foods. My weight is far from where I would like it. My family lost me for over a year. Many people carried me through the year 2012 and I thank each and everyone of you.
As I have said I look forward to a beautiful 2013. The only person that can make 2013 a wonderful year is me. I am in charge of how I will respond to what's been given to me.
I accept my new life! I accept that I am a mother of a special needs child. It's going to be a challenge every single day. I accept the challenge! I am strong and I can do it! Instead of "why me?" I say "why not me!" I am the mother for her! I cry when I think about that because she is so amazingly strong so therefore I have to be strong just like her.
I am changing me! I am now waking up to happiness! It feels so good. My new "daily medication" is Yoga, running and strength training. I am taking care of me! Taking care of me is just as important as taking care of her. If I take care of me I am better at taking care of her, as mothers I don't know why we have such a hard time at taking care of ourselves. I am also going on a 12 week "Live the Life" program and a "Feel great in 8" healthy life program with some friends. I am so excited to "loose the baby weight" and get back into healthy living habits. Wish me luck!
I look forward to 2013. It's okay if Leah doesn't get a diagnosis! I did the best I could for Leah and I will continue to do my best...forever! I accept that this is Leah's life. This is the body that God gave her, it is broken but her spirit is very much so alive! I will feed her spirit with positive goodness everyday.
When I let the anger and sadness go and I finally came to this acceptance, beautiful things have happened around me. God was always there, He understood what I was going through and he anxiously waited for me to get to this point of acceptance. He wanted me to find this happiness and acceptance on my own. He wanted me to learn and grow on my own, just like a loving Father would do. I love him and I am thankful He trusts me with Leah.