Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been a long road for me. I have blamed myself for Leah's sickness for about the past eight months, a long eight months. It's been a very hard burden to carry. Blaming myself did nothing but tare me apart. As humans I think we feel like something or someone is to blame for anything that happens. But, there are accidents that no one is to blame. It took me a long time to learn this concept. I actually wanted to be blamed (I know that sounds stupid but until you have experienced what I have experienced you can't understand). I had a sick feeling inside to not give Leah her immunizations on Dec 30th 2011 and I ignored it, I thought I was just a scared mom not wanting my baby to get shots. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know why I was feeling sick inside. Chad and I talked the night before about her immunizations and we decided together to go ahead and do it.  I truly didn't know I was going to "loose" my baby that day and that those immunizations would change her life and our life forever. Everyone immunizes their kids! No one thinks that those shots are going to take their child away. So I proceeded to have her shots done still feeling yucky inside. Well...I forgive myself, for the first time I can say I forgive myself. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my doctors fault. It was an accident! I will not let those feelings of blame enter my thoughts again. Those feelings are dark, damaging and make you feel trapped and alone. What a wonderful feeling to feel free and not carry such a heavy burden!

I choose to let it go!